Two Months In

Ella is making progress. We are visiting her this week and I see exciting change!!! She is absorbing so much positive from the family she is with! There is a desire in her to please now! I may even see a longing to be a good person and make others happy and proud of her. That wasn't there before. There is even physical evidence of it in the control that she has over both her body and her tongue. I am amazed at how quickly she can reign herself and her anger in now. Where before it could take her hours to control herself and her violent outburst, now it can be a matter of seconds when she is determined. There is still conflict in her. I see it under the surface, but it is a refreshing sight after seeing so much determination for so long to cling to her anger. It is a struggle for her to try to grasp all the complexities of what trust and love are and understandably so.

It seems funny now, but before we got here, I expected most of  her conflict to be over who Mamma was and what my role was having been with Mrs. C for so long. Boy was I wrong! The first day was a little confusing for both her and I, but MAN- by the afternoon of day two- I was seeing what I had been hearing about for the last two weeks, a little girl that was determined to control herself and work towards coming home. She even SAID SHE WANTED TO COME HOME!!!!! She has said she misses all of us (by name and with no prompting) multiple times and she is initiating hugs and kisses and cuddles that seem much more like those of a child that finds comfort in her moms arms, than those of a child who wants some random onlooker watching, to think she is cute. She IS growing stronger and it is so clear to me now. I have lived in so much fear of her rejection of me that it became easier to expect nothing. I look at her now though and am SOOOOOO thankful that we sought the guidance that we did and brought her here. This is EXACTLY where she needs to be right now. I can't tell you the relief I feel as a parent to be here watching her, holding her, and seeing the weight slowly rising off her little shoulders.

She is safe here. She can grow here. She can't hurt others here. She is learning to love. The most comforting part (and the part that has been the most frightening) she is learning to love ME!

With 600 miles between us, she finds more comfort in me now than I ever saw her find in me before. She seems to settle into me holding her differently and while there is clearly reservation and restlessness in moments throughout the day, I also see a new sense of curiosity and absorption as she watches other kids interact with one another and with adults. She is much more in tune to the emotions of others and seems curious about the reasoning behind them. She doesn't ask about them yet, at least, not with me, but you can see it when you look at her.

Her heart isn't quite ready yet though, that is pretty easy to spot (which I am thankful for honestly. I'd rather have that, than think she was ready to come home when she's not). Where Macie had a very clear over-night kind of change, Ella is going to take more time. Ella was far worse off than Macie, but then, we had been told that by countless people, so I'm not sure why that continues to be surprising to me. Ella's little mind has to take in and process more before her heart trusts what she is seeing and hearing. It's coming though. I see BIG differences and very clear change, but the healing will come, when the heart gets involved. She's working on it, but she has a ways to go.

Macie is with me and she is doing well. It's a lot to take in and she needs set aside time with Mamma a few times throughout each day. It doesn't have to be long, but it has to be just her and I and quiet- then she's good for a few hours more. I can't tell you how amazed I am at that child, at BOTH of my girls. They really are going to be amazing women.... I wish you all could see and know them like I do. I just believe in them so much, and in what God made them to be.....

Anyway, Macie is home schooling this year (something I said I'd never do) and she is loving it. She is working with an on-line program (makes lots of trips to see Ella easier), which takes the teaching out of most of it for me and turns it into a fun thing, for her. On a good day- she can get 5 subjects (English, Language Arts, Math, Social Studies and Science) done in an hour and a half. Then we have the rest of the day to play and build up the more important pieces of her life, like trust and attachment to her family.

At present, it has become quite clear that we need to work on Macie being a little more independant from Mamma. I know right? something I never DREAMED I would be looking for at this point, but as I watch her, I am more and more confident that she is ready for it, she just needs the ground rules and the belief in herself to get there. It's the belief in herself that will be the toughest- but it'll come with practice on her part and trust on mine. School is ACTUALLY helping believe it or not. I can't imagine being 6 and trying to figure all of this out.  She has done astonishingly well considering.

It's funny, Macie's grandpa made a comment about not really knowing what to think of Macie, only that she was definatley not like any 6-year-old he had ever met. How right he was. It's hard to put Macie in any kind of box. She is not, and has never been a child to me. Neither of my girls ever were, but in so many ways both of them are still just she still just babies. I look at Macie  and she is smart, and capable with a caring nature and a desire to please. So much so, that it's sometimes easy to forget how much the built in structure of our home has provided stability for her. When that structure wains or we are outside of her comfort zone, she constantly checks-in for approval and direction. So that is what we will work on now. Little by little, she will begin to regulate new areas of her life. Areas that may seem miniscule to most, but are MASSIVE to her and to us as a family.

I am rambling aren't I? Another long entry.

I'm not going to apologize though. :)

I am encouraged.

Will post pictures when I can.