Knowing when to talk to your kids about adoption is a pretty intimidating thing. The age of your children, their ability to understand all they have gone through and their trust in you as a parent play huge roles in the timing of it.
When we first began to mull over the idea, we were unsure how long it would be and just how much we would share with the girls. We were uncertain of what they could handle and whether or not they would be accepting of the information. There were a million questions, most of them with a million possible answers. As much as we could have guessed at the best way to introduce the subject to the girls, we never could have anticipated sharing as much as we have, as early as we have.
Our placement agency, CHSFS, goes to great efforts with the children that they place to collect footage of the country they are from and it's cultural significance as well as interviews with any surviving family or individuals that may have located the children being placed. This information is put on a DVD that is then distributed to the adoptive families when the child is released into the care of the adoptive family.
We were told about this video prior to travel, but I had no idea that it would be such a high quality, documentary style video. The first time Garrett and I sat and watched it, we sat there stunned at the obvious effort and care that was put into each aspect of the video. The city of Addis, the countryside of Ethiopia, the people, their culture and the program at CHSFS itself were all shown with a clear and simple narrative describing all that we were watching.
The only thing more impressive than the video itself, was the interview with the girls surviving family members. This turned out to be far more than I had expected. Not only would the girls get to see their "Ababa" (Amharic for Daddy), but they would also get to hear him speak in their native tongue and tell them about who they were as infants and some of the memories that he had of them. The video was taken where they were born, lived and grew until the time that they were relinquished into care. Other family members were also there and able to share as well.
I sat there listening to the the gentle voice of my daughter's biological father as he shared stories and openly displayed his affection for both of my girls. Tears of thankfulness filled my eyes. Thankfulness for the staff that had taken such great care to make sure that my girls understood their history, their family, and their first home. It is a gift that's value can not be measured.
There was a second DVD also included for each of the girls. This DVD was a history of the girls from the time they were brought into care, until the time they came home with us. The media crew had followed us around while we were in Addis and even those pieces of the girls history was placed into these DVD's. It is more impressive than I can say, and is a treasure for us and the girls to have as they grow up.
but back to the initial subject (sorry- I got a bit sidetracked there).
That first week that we brought the girls home, we were all in a state of shock and the newness of EVERYTHING was overwhelming. I remember watching Macie as she stared of into a safe haven of nothingness, able to find a numbness there that would protect her overwhelmed little heart.
I remember struggling with what to do during that time to make things easier. I wondered what to talk with her about (although understanding of one another was minimal) that might give her some indication that I wanted to be there for her has she worked through all the questions in her mind. I remember looking at pictures we had taken while we were in Ethiopia and while recognition of things was there, it didn't seem to make a dent in her interest.
One evening, about mid week that first week, Ella had gone to bed early and Macie was in another world again. I remember looking at Garrett and expressing my thoughts about having her watch the videos. We had talked about it before and were unsure as to the timing, but with the distance seeming almost impenetrable, we came to the decision to give it a try.
With my arms wrapped around her we brought her into our room and sat her on our bed. I curled my body behind hers, making sure to give her any space she may want or need, as she sat and watched Garrett put the DVD in. While Garrett sat further back (she wasn't a big fan of Daddy yet), we all watched as the video of Ethiopia began to play. My eyes were on Macie as she took in the pictures of all the places she had lived and been, the country where she was from and all that it had to offer. She watched with interest, not appearing upset by it at all. Garrett and I glanced at one another as each segment passed, a bit surprised as Macie's interest only seemed to grow.
It was when "Ababa" came on the screen that we saw Macie's eyes light up. The recognition of her first Daddy was more evident than I could possibly put in writing. I remember the smile that spread across her face as she looked at me with a new appreciation and respect for her Momma, who knew more about her than she had thought.
Tears streamed down my face as I watched her listen to her Ababa speak in her native tongue and remind her of a home that still loved her and missed her greatly. She recognized her other family members too and was happy to see them. The whole thing seemed to bring her peace somehow. She slept like a rock that night. She was a different girl the next day. The distance was gone and a new understanding of what family was began to take place.
Both of the girls have seen the videos now and they both know they have family all over the world that love them.
Pictures of Ababa and the girls other family members are throughout our house and we speak of them often.
We have three maps on the wall of our family room. One of the US. One of Africa. One of the world. On each one, we have placed pictures of loved ones in the places that they live. Ababa and the girls two older brothers are on the world map in Ethiopia along with a photo of our family now (in MD) and family on the West Coast. We have a little airplane sticker that we use to explain the comings and goings of family as we travel throughout the US and the world.
The girls pass by it countless times a day and while they may not grasp the size of it all, they know that their world is covered with people who love them.
I was encouraged to share this by a friend and am so thankful for her direction. I had forgotten how significant this piece of our adoption process was.
It's amazing, as you go through the "day to day's" of being an adoptive family, how much you forget about some of the transitions you make. There are so many of them that it is hard to keep track. They come at various times, for various reasons. Each family is different, with it's own time-line and it's own way of working through struggles.
For adoptive families, birth-history is a big question mark. It is a tough subject, no matter what way you look at it and the anxiety of it can make it easier to set on the back burner for "later on", when maybe NOW would be a better time for it.
So to those that are still waiting to share for whatever reason, it isn't always the worst case scenario that we set ourselves up for. For us, it was a key that unlocked our daughters spirit and gave her the peace to move forward with a new family.
It was an uncertain step for two first time parents that were unsure of the "rightness" of it, but stepped forward anyway. We are so thankful now to have made that choice with both of our girls. They are proud of who they are, where they come from and the family that they have, (
ALL of us) and I could not be more grateful for the privilege I have in raising Ababa's little girls.
That's right folks! We booked it today. We are headed to the Bahamas!
