THIS IS HUGE FOR HER!
HUGE!!!
It was great to hear her sound so strong. She spoke with both Garrett and I on the phone at separate times and spelled her name for both of us with a solid, strong voice. In fact, I heard the clearest voice she has used yet (she speaks better than a 6 year old to everyone BUT me- so this is a big deal). She had surrendered enough trust to keep control of her bodily functions and actually show some pride in herself and what she can accomplish when she does what is right. Ella has shown some pretty extreme behaviors over the last month, resulting in a lot of work cleaning the barn. To see surrender of all that doubt and insecurity in Ella brought relief for all.
That single day of amazing, confident, surrender was followed by her worst day yet. Again, let me encourage you, this is expected. When RAD kids hit levels of trust that feel unsafe, they react and escalate behaviors to re-establish their old sense of safety. It is similar to domestic violence in that, the abused generally have an extremely difficult time stepping into a healthy relationship because it feels so foreign and unknown to them. Oftentimes, it takes leaving an abusive relationship 7 or 8 times before the survivor even begins to believe that the violent dynamics in the relationship were really "that bad". With Ella, we are talking about those dynamics being there during the most vulnerable time of her development.
Ella has to get to a point where she can accept a healthy definition of family, stability, trust and safety within the home. This struggle comes in waves. The fact that we are even hitting waves is a good sign. I am hopeful that while the waves to come may be tsunami size, they are few and they come fast.
In other news, my Mom has been out visiting for the last few days. It has been interesting to watch Macie have to struggle through insecurities. She seemed to immediately shift into competition for my time. Others in our home are a threat to her and I it seems, so we have some old behaviors resurfacing. It is her way of coping. Her way of trying to force time (even if it is negative) with Mama. She has not gotten it, however- not with negative behaviors. Instead, those behaviors have been met with a lot of time in her room "resting" so that she can remember what it is to behave when we have company.
My mom is a special sort of trigger though. She was in Ethiopia. She has been a strong and present support to me and visited here multiple times at length since. She knows and loves us well, so, in Macie's eyes- my mom is.... well,.... the devil. LOL. Not really- that is a bit drastic but my mom IS someone who has seen Macie in all her glory (good and bad) and who is now pretty well trained up to watch her. That means that Mama and Daddy can go out on real dates and THAT means that Macie isn't the center of our world. Now, this sends a few messages, most of which Macie is just gonna have to adjust to.
1. Mama and Daddy actually like each other enough to spend time together ALONE.
2. We value our relationship enough to put IT before her (regardless of her negative behavior).
3. We will leave her with people that she knows and that we trust to keep her safe.
4. We will teach those that we leave her with to "parent" situations in the same way that we do and THEY WILL DO IT!!!!
The result so far? Testing of the waters, but I am hoping that with more practice she will gain a feeling of safety (the missing emotional piece expressed through guarded anger) and a knowledge (which she has now) that we'll come home to her. She doesn't like it. Don't get me wrong. It doesn't matter if we leave her with a bunch of other kids at Ms. C's- she doesn't like it. Her sense of safety lies with us. Her need to be close to us still indicates insecurities in her sense of attachment, but the only way to conquer that is to practice separating from her for periods of time. Now I just know we need to do it more. A LOT MORE, especially before Ella comes home.
A strangely, fun part of my Mom being here is that for the first time, she is getting to see us in action, using the techniques we have been talking about for months now. It took a couple of days to really implement them, but Macie's behaviors kicked in and we took the opportunity to teach my Mom what respite looks like and what she will have to be prepared to do, should she want to help out. She picked up on it quickly and her confidence in it kicked her into a new gear. She is like super Mimi now. It has been wonderful to get out with Garrett knowing that my mom is prepared (and willing to text with questions- which she did) and in therapeutic respite mode.
She actually suggested/requested to go to a RAD Respite training prior to doing any long term respite. I think it's a brilliant idea and one that I hope is available when the time comes that our family is ready for that. For now though, I'll take a couple hours here and there. It's more time than I have had outside of the house in 6 months!
On another note- it was my birthday yesterday. I said it was a great day on FB. That's what people want to hear, right? It ended up being a fine day, I was thankful for time with both Garrett and my Mom. That said- if you want the truth of it, any time you are without your family being whole every day kinda sucks.
We take another trip to Georgia in the next week or so. We are trying to increase the trips as we get closer to December and bringing Ella home for good. I have to admit, both Garrett and I have concerns for both the girls and for very different reasons. We are hopeful that miracles will happen in the months that are ahead.
thinking of you...
ReplyDelete