Waiting.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. The sun hasn't even risen yet and I am already filled with ache.
I know patience is something that we all strive for and hope to have during the times in life when we are forced to wait, but I must tell you, the closer I get to holding Macie and Ella in my arms, the harder it becomes.
My dreams are filled with their faces, their smiles, their laughter, their tears, and I wake up unable to comfort them. Don't mistake me. They are doing well. In fact, they are getting better care now than they have likely ever. The care center staff is wonderful about attending to each individual child and knowing them well. It's not the same though. It's not me. It's not their mom. Their mom is here.... wanting to be there. Wanting more than anything to be with them, knowing that they already have the key to her heart.
I know I will stumble through motherhood like every woman does. I know I will make mistakes along the way. I know that they will be hurt by life regardless of what paths they choose. I also know that I will spend my life loving them with everything I have, hoping that when that hurt comes, they know they have arms to fall into and shoulders to cry on for as long as they need them. They will always have a mom that is proud of them regardless of how many times they throw a tantrum, pull away, or fumble along life's road. I can't save them from the pain they have already known, or all the pain that is to come, but I can be there, and love them through it.
It's strange how connected one can feel to a life never known. I may not be able to hold them yet, but my heart is with them, my thoughts are there, longing for my feet to follow.
For now, I wait. For now I will transition into a new home and prepare for their arrival home, but know that my heart is already there, is already with them. So if I seem a bit distracted or even more crazy than usual- forgive me. My daughters have already stolen my attention.