So here's the real deal. The real story. The realities of a new mom with two sibling toddlers, two weeks after their homecoming.....
This IS tough! The girls have gone through so much trauma over the last 6 months and somehow the expectations from the heart of an adoptive parent aren't the logical, reasoned response that this mother just knew she would have.
That first week we ventured out more than I ever expected. I think that was primarily due to all of us being jet-lagged and in shock a bit. This week has been much more home-based and low-key. The girls are settling in a little at a time and each hour there is a new challenge in front of me.
The heartbreak of watching them continue to fight through all the transition that the last few weeks have brought is still prevalent. It is hard to see them hesitate to claim things as their own or to believe that even I will be around when they wake up in the morning. I still see uncertainty in their faces when they wake up and call for me. I still see them hesitate to trust that I will come back from getting the mail (they watch me through a window) or even from the bathroom two feet from them.
The girls clocks are still struggling with US time, so sleep patterns are still a bit off. While quiet time is set into our daily routine, napping is non-existent for the girls. They struggle to rest without me in the room to settle nerves and they are running short of patience for much of anything.
The language barrier makes it tough to communicate, even with the basics understood. It amazes me how much the girls can grasp of what we say, but our understanding of them is extremely limited and I feel like a horrible parent for not being able to read the minds of these sweet faces I gaze at every day.
Attachment is coming hard for them. Even faces they see daily, they run from. Not only is it difficult for me to watch the pain in the eyes of others I love, but it is hard to be the one the girls run and stick to. It is clear that they are frightened of some other person taking me from them.
I can hear my own voice reciting all the reasons that parents shouldn't expect much in the first few weeks. I can hear all of the logic behind it and the sense of it is clear in my mind, but my heart hurts. It hurts for them, it hurts for me, it hurts for the family that the girls are so scared to love.
There are bright spots in each day, and I know that these girls are mine. I have no doubt of that, but the longing to have them trust weighs heavy on my heart.
My body is tired, lacking sleep and rest. My mind is weary, thinking of all the ways I am already failing and all the things that I am not getting done. My spirit is heavy with the hurt the girls feel, but the joy in a smile, a new word, a giggle, or a hug brings me peace and I am filled with hope.
Hope. Another day. New beginnings. New discoveries. A "do over" of sorts. Starting again, from scratch. Remembering to live in the little joys and cling to the hope of what is sure to come.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I cannot wait to watch the next few weeks unfold at your home...
ReplyDeleteThings have changed ten fold for us and we thought she was doing pretty good when she came home. Nothing compared to now. The trust she exhibits now is something that seemed to be years away. She now KNOWS that we are her family and doesn't look frightened or skeptical when others approach. It was SO hard to watch her then...
It will change, sooner than you can imagine! Hang in there, you're doing great!
I totally agree with Lori. When I look back to those first few weeks I cannot believe Mihiret is even the same child. She now runs free and wild and seems very confident with her place in our family.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I don't speak from experience, I'm sure that before you know it, all will be right and these struggles will be a just a memory.
ReplyDeleteBeth,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to Motherhood! No matter where your children come from there are some things ALL mothers have in common: You will NEVER get to go to the bathroom by yourself again (and there are times I think... are you sure you want to be here for this?), even when your child's first language is English you will have language barriers, (I still get a frustrated toddler when I can't understand what she is trying to tell me), AND there will be several times throughout the day when you will want a moment to yourself or wish you could complete a simple task with out "help". It gets better and the challenges you face now will be the ones you miss as time goes on. Unfortunately, there are always new challenges but thankfully the sweetness of our children and the love we have for them in our hearts makes the challenges easier to face. These girls where meant to be with you and I LOVE reading about their journey to your heart and home! THANK YOU!
Big hugs Beth! Thanks for being so honest. You'll get there!
ReplyDeleteMany hugs from our corner, too. We are thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteBeth these ladies I am sure have more experience in adoption then I do, but I can say with certainty that I know what it is like to be a mother.
ReplyDeleteAll mothers question themselves and their abilities about 12 times a day. All mothers beat themselves up about their skills. All mothers feel that their instincts should be more in tune with their kids. You wouldn't be a good mom if you didn't feel these things.
I struggle a lot with wanting Elijah to be on par with the rest of the kids his age. I hate seeing him lagging behind and I catch myself daily looking forward to 6 months from now, or a year when maybe he can walk and talk like everybody else. But living in the moment each day is much harder. You want the best for your girls, you want them to be happy and feel confident. Where you are right now is exactly where you need to be to get them there. Keep going mommy.. you're doing great!