Time

I missed my girls yesterday.
Now I can see that I really started to feel it the day of the inauguration. Ella had been on Garrett's back all morning long and the afternoon was spent playing, but somehow, I had gone all day without spending set aside time just holding my baby girl. As we settled into our bedtime routine that night she curled up in my arms and an empty spot in my heart that had been silent all day suddenly sighed in relief at it's fullness. I took a deep breath enjoying the moment with her in my arms and the night went on as usual.
Yesterday though, stands out more somehow. I went to yoga in the evening (which was a first). I debated a while about this, as yoga is scheduled during the hours that we normally put the girls down to bed, but after a long talk with Garrett and a lot of thought about what was best for the family, we decided I should just try it and see how things go. So, I went.
We have gotten to a point now, where the girls know that momma will be back when she has to go somewhere (to be honest, this was far less of a problem than I ever anticipated). So when I left the house I wasn't that worried about the first half hour, it was more a concern about ACTUAL bedtime that had me a little unnerved.
I made it through the class though and as I moved from one position to another the worry for the girls dissipated and became something entirely different. As I laid in our final resting pose, my lips turned up and I restrained the tears that were building behind my closed eyes. I had identified exactly what I was feeling. I MISSED MY GIRLS! I missed tucking them in. I missed kissing them goodnight and telling them I loved them as they drifted off to sleep.
I pulled myself together and drove home saying a silent prayer of thanks to God for allowing me to feel such an immense love for my girls. I got home and checked in with Garrett, who informed me that the night had gone on without incident. Bittersweet joy filled my heart as I tiptoed up the steps to kiss them both goodnight. They had done well for Daddy and if they missed their momma, had kept it to themselves.
Ella was out cold, but as I leaned over to kiss Macie, her eyes opened and a smile spread across her face. Only a mother would understand the joy of that moment. I smiled back, blinked back tears, told her I loved and and tucked her in for a second time. As her eyes closed and I walked quietly out of the room I breathed in a new kind of air. The kind that brings peace to a mother's heart.
I know that this whole thing might sound strange, or even cold to some. For a mother to not miss her children- how could I possibly say such a thing, but it's not that simple. These lives have been my everything from before they even came home, but to know them now and learn who they are has been an adjustment beyond what anyone can put into words.
I have had time away from them and it has been much needed, but in those moments, I had yet to feel the closeness to them that led me to actually MISS them. It's hard to explain without getting into a bunch of different aspects of what adoption is, but I'll try to put it in terms that might be able to help you understand, as crass as they might be.
It's like I've been baby-sitting someone else's kids 24/7 for the last 7 weeks. All the feelings that you want to have as a parent are set aside during this time in order to survive and do what is best for the kids. The longing to give that love that you give each day and have it be returned. The dream of your children running to you simply because they can, not because they are fearful of something or someone else. The hope for the days and the feelings that you know will come, but may be a long way off. All of those things are put on the back burner so that you can focus on living in the moment and being the best mom that you can be with everything that you have to give in the now. Those feelings are carefully set aside and protected in order to survive the wait of the bonding process, but each day more is shared and enjoyed and felt.
Over the last few days it's as if the girls have decided that they are ours and my heart has taken notice and begun to feel again. I don't know if I can explain it any better than that, but regardless of whether or not it is understood, it is amazing to feel and even more amazing to see all the changes that it is making in all of us.
Time works it's magic in all things. It heals. It protects. It transforms. It creates families.
I missed my girls yesterday. They are napping and I miss them now. What an AMAZING feeling (big sigh). So THIS is motherhood!!!