Maybe I should try working on a book.
Thoughts?
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Then There Are the Reminders....
The reminders of why Ella is where she is....
This week she poked a kid in the eye- intentionally. Why? Because she was mad. She also tripped a kid intentionally. She was actually seen blatantly putting her foot right out in front of another child as they walked beside her. Why? Because she was mad. It's where she's at. The children she is abusing have my sincerest apologies as well as my gratitude for continuing to be examples of healthy siblings to one another and to her as she battles the rage inside her heart. I don't know what else to say about it. This is my angry child. This is my Ella.
These are actually little things that, for this age, reflect what is normal testing for a RAD kid. They are actually small things in comparison to what she used to do and thankfully, there was no permanent damage done, but it still serves as a reminder and it keeps those around her on alert.
She's not ready to come home yet and for that reason, I am very thankful she is where she is.
We have 3 months work to do here making what we have, as strong as it can be, before we welcome the final piece of our little puzzle home.
I still miss her, anger and all. We all do.
This week she poked a kid in the eye- intentionally. Why? Because she was mad. She also tripped a kid intentionally. She was actually seen blatantly putting her foot right out in front of another child as they walked beside her. Why? Because she was mad. It's where she's at. The children she is abusing have my sincerest apologies as well as my gratitude for continuing to be examples of healthy siblings to one another and to her as she battles the rage inside her heart. I don't know what else to say about it. This is my angry child. This is my Ella.
These are actually little things that, for this age, reflect what is normal testing for a RAD kid. They are actually small things in comparison to what she used to do and thankfully, there was no permanent damage done, but it still serves as a reminder and it keeps those around her on alert.
She's not ready to come home yet and for that reason, I am very thankful she is where she is.
We have 3 months work to do here making what we have, as strong as it can be, before we welcome the final piece of our little puzzle home.
I still miss her, anger and all. We all do.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Names
I miss Ella.
I know it should kinda go without saying, but I need to say it just the same.
I miss her... well, her everything.
Her hugs.
Her laugh.
Her smile.
Her little hands.
They way she runs.
The way she struts.
Her funny faces.
Her "everything" list is a long one.
There is an emptiness- still a void in this house.
My home isn't whole without her.
I am not whole without her.
From the beginning, I have talked with the girls about home being wherever we are all together. I did this knowing with military moves and deployment, it is going to be crucial that the girls understand that "home" is defined by something other than a house for our family. It is what we are when we are united. So maybe that's the feeling I'm struggling with. None of us are really a home right now. We are only part of one. There is an Ella missing and while we function and learn and grow and move forward- her bedroom lays empty and the laughter is less as we wait patiently for her heart to soften and ready itself and her to come home.
I know she is where she needs to be. I don't mean to plant a seed of doubt in anyone's mind. I am certain we are on the right path. I just miss my baby girl. There are times when I am sadly reminded that I am missing "it". Missing those moments you photograph and reminisce about for years after they happen. I am missing stages of her life that I will never get back. I know I sound pathetic. I just miss my girl.
There are days when I have to work to remind myself that this is only for a time, that I'm not a bad parent or someone that is simply detached from her child. Believe me, there is a whole slew of horrid lines I have to deafen myself to on those days. I wish I could express what a help it is and how thankful I am for Ms. C and her willingness to tolerate all the Ella snail mail she finds in her mailbox (which she is kind enough to read out loud to her while I am on the phone) as well as my daily phone calls to Ella in my desperate attempt to stay as connected to my daughter as possible. It is that connection that keeps me sane.
It's funny, when we began looking at names for our children, long before the referral for the girls even came to us, we knew that their names would be important. We didn't want frilly, girly/girly-man names. We wanted strong, powerful names that our children would be proud to carry with them as they walked through this world. We knew we would keep their birth names with them. So, we had that to consider as the time approached as well. To us, their heritage was just as important as the new lives they would be beginning.
When we scrolled down the computer screen and saw their faces and names for the first time, we knew that their names demanded nothing less than the strength they would need to survive the fear and uncertainty reflected in their beautiful eyes.
It took some time, but looking back, we clearly had divine guidance.
Ella Birtukan, put together, means bright, beautiful, light. Ella's laugh, when it's real- could make the world turn with all the joy that is behind it. She lights up a room and fills it with this contagious energy that could provide enough power to light up the continental US. The tough part about Ella is that I am still learning her. She is still learning herself. She has a long way to go, but I know she is exactly what her name implies. We didn't know how much power would be in her name when we gave it to her, but we see it now and it gives us hope. I can't wait to learn more of her.
Sara (pronounced Sadah) Macie, put together, means enduring princess. Macie..... well, I know her better now, so I can say more. Endurance hardly covers what she has survived and continues to work through..... she is so much more than a 6 year old should be, and so much less at the same time. I see her at 2, I see her at 4, at 6, at 16, at 30- all within hours of a day. She is an old soul and one that we grow to love more each day that we learn her.
However- the meaning of Sara.... Princess.... okay- there is a story here.
I hate princesses. I think of snotty, perfect, fairy tale stories that never tell you the truth after the "happily ever after" part of the story. Sara means princess.
I was not exactly pleased with this choice of name, but it was not the name I gave her.
Come to find out when I was in Ethiopia, that there is more to the story that happened before she even left her parents care. Apparently it was not the name that was originally chosen for her, but, long-story-short it was the name her birth parents finally granted her in the weeks after her birth. The irony lies in that while we have worked through all of this RAD stuff, the idea presented from the very beginning (at attachment camp) is that our family is made up of a King, Queen and two little girls who will be princesses when their hearts are healed and whole. Macie couldn't get enough of it and the concept sunk in with teeth that WILL NOT let go. I may not have wanted one- but a princess I have! She healed this summer and WITHOUT QUESTION is a princess beyond one I have ever known. One I am completely proud to call mine.
Anyway, to say that the girls names mean something, is putting it lightly. Without knowing it, the names given to them by their four parents defined them long before any one of us even knew them.
People ask, even more-so now, if we would have chosen to adopt the girls had we known what we do. There are definitely days where that question rises to the surface and I struggle with it a great deal. Then I look at something like their names and have to stop questioning. The chances that two couples that could not have more different lives or be further apart could, at different times, name the same two children more accurately or more beautifully..... All I have to do is reflect on something as simple as that and I know in my heart that I still would have gotten on that plane and brought my girls home. I still believe, even after all the pain, even still WITH the pain- we are given the children we are meant to have. Not only to provide them with the parents they need, but to make US, as parents- the best people we can be.
OK- enough with the adoption/RAD ranting for the day....
In other, completely random, news, our neighbors house was broken into. We live in an old neighborhood with some of the older homes still standing and the basement window of one of them got smashed in. I guess whoever entered took old family jewelry and that was it. We have nothing like that in our house. The valuable things in our house, come with eyes and ears attached. For that, I am thankful. Still, it is un-nerving to know that being as close as we are to them, we heard nothing, saw nothing and could be next on the house hit list. We live in a great neighborhood. Our neighbors are the kind you can go to if some kind of crisis hits and you need help. It's just upsetting.
Our house however, has a barking machine. Dudley usually drives me nuts when he is barking. He barks at other dogs. He barks at squirrels. He barks at strange people. He barks at the doorbell or at a leaf falling if it suits him. This kind of barking can lead me towards an irresistible urge to pull my hair out, but when I am reminded by a police officer investigating a neighborhood break-in that "Dogs are the best crime deterrent."- I am suddenly and completely UN-ANNOID.
Dudley is getting lots of extra treats this week. :)
I know it should kinda go without saying, but I need to say it just the same.
I miss her... well, her everything.
Her hugs.
Her laugh.
Her smile.
Her little hands.
They way she runs.
The way she struts.
Her funny faces.
Her "everything" list is a long one.
There is an emptiness- still a void in this house.
My home isn't whole without her.
I am not whole without her.
From the beginning, I have talked with the girls about home being wherever we are all together. I did this knowing with military moves and deployment, it is going to be crucial that the girls understand that "home" is defined by something other than a house for our family. It is what we are when we are united. So maybe that's the feeling I'm struggling with. None of us are really a home right now. We are only part of one. There is an Ella missing and while we function and learn and grow and move forward- her bedroom lays empty and the laughter is less as we wait patiently for her heart to soften and ready itself and her to come home.
I know she is where she needs to be. I don't mean to plant a seed of doubt in anyone's mind. I am certain we are on the right path. I just miss my baby girl. There are times when I am sadly reminded that I am missing "it". Missing those moments you photograph and reminisce about for years after they happen. I am missing stages of her life that I will never get back. I know I sound pathetic. I just miss my girl.
There are days when I have to work to remind myself that this is only for a time, that I'm not a bad parent or someone that is simply detached from her child. Believe me, there is a whole slew of horrid lines I have to deafen myself to on those days. I wish I could express what a help it is and how thankful I am for Ms. C and her willingness to tolerate all the Ella snail mail she finds in her mailbox (which she is kind enough to read out loud to her while I am on the phone) as well as my daily phone calls to Ella in my desperate attempt to stay as connected to my daughter as possible. It is that connection that keeps me sane.
It's funny, when we began looking at names for our children, long before the referral for the girls even came to us, we knew that their names would be important. We didn't want frilly, girly/girly-man names. We wanted strong, powerful names that our children would be proud to carry with them as they walked through this world. We knew we would keep their birth names with them. So, we had that to consider as the time approached as well. To us, their heritage was just as important as the new lives they would be beginning.
When we scrolled down the computer screen and saw their faces and names for the first time, we knew that their names demanded nothing less than the strength they would need to survive the fear and uncertainty reflected in their beautiful eyes.
It took some time, but looking back, we clearly had divine guidance.
Ella Birtukan, put together, means bright, beautiful, light. Ella's laugh, when it's real- could make the world turn with all the joy that is behind it. She lights up a room and fills it with this contagious energy that could provide enough power to light up the continental US. The tough part about Ella is that I am still learning her. She is still learning herself. She has a long way to go, but I know she is exactly what her name implies. We didn't know how much power would be in her name when we gave it to her, but we see it now and it gives us hope. I can't wait to learn more of her.
Sara (pronounced Sadah) Macie, put together, means enduring princess. Macie..... well, I know her better now, so I can say more. Endurance hardly covers what she has survived and continues to work through..... she is so much more than a 6 year old should be, and so much less at the same time. I see her at 2, I see her at 4, at 6, at 16, at 30- all within hours of a day. She is an old soul and one that we grow to love more each day that we learn her.
However- the meaning of Sara.... Princess.... okay- there is a story here.
I hate princesses. I think of snotty, perfect, fairy tale stories that never tell you the truth after the "happily ever after" part of the story. Sara means princess.
I was not exactly pleased with this choice of name, but it was not the name I gave her.
Come to find out when I was in Ethiopia, that there is more to the story that happened before she even left her parents care. Apparently it was not the name that was originally chosen for her, but, long-story-short it was the name her birth parents finally granted her in the weeks after her birth. The irony lies in that while we have worked through all of this RAD stuff, the idea presented from the very beginning (at attachment camp) is that our family is made up of a King, Queen and two little girls who will be princesses when their hearts are healed and whole. Macie couldn't get enough of it and the concept sunk in with teeth that WILL NOT let go. I may not have wanted one- but a princess I have! She healed this summer and WITHOUT QUESTION is a princess beyond one I have ever known. One I am completely proud to call mine.
Anyway, to say that the girls names mean something, is putting it lightly. Without knowing it, the names given to them by their four parents defined them long before any one of us even knew them.
People ask, even more-so now, if we would have chosen to adopt the girls had we known what we do. There are definitely days where that question rises to the surface and I struggle with it a great deal. Then I look at something like their names and have to stop questioning. The chances that two couples that could not have more different lives or be further apart could, at different times, name the same two children more accurately or more beautifully..... All I have to do is reflect on something as simple as that and I know in my heart that I still would have gotten on that plane and brought my girls home. I still believe, even after all the pain, even still WITH the pain- we are given the children we are meant to have. Not only to provide them with the parents they need, but to make US, as parents- the best people we can be.
OK- enough with the adoption/RAD ranting for the day....
In other, completely random, news, our neighbors house was broken into. We live in an old neighborhood with some of the older homes still standing and the basement window of one of them got smashed in. I guess whoever entered took old family jewelry and that was it. We have nothing like that in our house. The valuable things in our house, come with eyes and ears attached. For that, I am thankful. Still, it is un-nerving to know that being as close as we are to them, we heard nothing, saw nothing and could be next on the house hit list. We live in a great neighborhood. Our neighbors are the kind you can go to if some kind of crisis hits and you need help. It's just upsetting.
Our house however, has a barking machine. Dudley usually drives me nuts when he is barking. He barks at other dogs. He barks at squirrels. He barks at strange people. He barks at the doorbell or at a leaf falling if it suits him. This kind of barking can lead me towards an irresistible urge to pull my hair out, but when I am reminded by a police officer investigating a neighborhood break-in that "Dogs are the best crime deterrent."- I am suddenly and completely UN-ANNOID.
Dudley is getting lots of extra treats this week. :)
 |
| My completely spoiled, road-tripping, hero-of-a-dog..... Dudley. :) |
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Warrior Moms
By Jean MacLeod
I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom.
It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
In the early days of our adoption,
I clanked around in oversize Armor that hung heavy and slow.
It took me awhile to realize that it had been designed for me to grow into...
I'd been outfitted as a Warrior Mom
but didn't understand what I was fighting.
It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
In the early days of our adoption,
I clanked around in oversize Armor that hung heavy and slow.
It took me awhile to realize that it had been designed for me to grow into...
I'd been outfitted as a Warrior Mom
but didn't understand what I was fighting.
It was with fear and steel
that I dealt with awful knowledge:
I was fighting for the love and affection
of a baby who no longer trusted.
that I dealt with awful knowledge:
I was fighting for the love and affection
of a baby who no longer trusted.
Making a child's world right
is all-consuming and never-ending.
I figured out why I wore Armor: it held me up at the end of the day.
So many invisible dragons to slay!
I battled for my baby
and I battled to be her mother.
I took rejection-- arrows glancing off metal-- and came back for more.
is all-consuming and never-ending.
I figured out why I wore Armor: it held me up at the end of the day.
So many invisible dragons to slay!
I battled for my baby
and I battled to be her mother.
I took rejection-- arrows glancing off metal-- and came back for more.
I demanded a place in the life of my daughter
and I learned to share her with her past.
and I learned to share her with her past.
I became a Warrior Mom
and ditched the Armor, but kept the shield.
Not for me, but to protect the child that became mine
through sweat and tears and years of no sleep!
and ditched the Armor, but kept the shield.
Not for me, but to protect the child that became mine
through sweat and tears and years of no sleep!
Who knew this Mom could tilt at windmills
angry feelings and powerful ghosts?
I don't cook, can't sew, won't craft
but I learned I could fight
and I don't give up.
Sometimes it takes a Warrior Mom
to claim a child who has gone past love.
angry feelings and powerful ghosts?
I don't cook, can't sew, won't craft
but I learned I could fight
and I don't give up.
Sometimes it takes a Warrior Mom
to claim a child who has gone past love.
Untapped, under-appreciated,
a Mother's Will is Mighty.
a Mother's Will is Mighty.
It can make love spring from metal
And change Armor to open arms.
And change Armor to open arms.
I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom.
It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
In the early days of our adoption,
I clanked around in oversize Armor that hung heavy and slow.
It took me awhile to realize that it had been designed for me to grow into...
I'd been outfitted as a Warrior Mom
but didn't understand what I was fighting.
It was with fear and steel
that I dealt with awful knowledge:
I was fighting for the love and affection
of a baby who no longer trusted.
Making a child's world right
is all-consuming and never-ending.
I figured out why I wore Armor: it held me up at the end of the day.
So many invisible dragons to slay!
I battled for my baby
and I battled to be her mother.
I took rejection-- arrows glancing off metal-- and came back for more.
I demanded a place in the life of my daughter
and I learned to share her with her past.
I became a Warrior Mom
and ditched the Armor, but kept the shield.
Not for me, but to protect the child that became mine
through sweat and tears and years of no sleep!
Who knew this Mom could tilt at windmills
angry feelings and powerful ghosts?
I don't cook, can't sew, won't craft
but I learned I could fight
and I don't give up.
Sometimes it takes a Warrior Mom
to claim a child who has gone past love.
Untapped, under-appreciated,
a Mother's Will is Mighty.
It can make love spring from metal
And change Armor to open arms.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Two Months In
Ella is making progress. We are visiting her this week and I see exciting change!!! She is absorbing so much positive from the family she is with! There is a desire in her to please now! I may even see a longing to be a good person and make others happy and proud of her. That wasn't there before. There is even physical evidence of it in the control that she has over both her body and her tongue. I am amazed at how quickly she can reign herself and her anger in now. Where before it could take her hours to control herself and her violent outburst, now it can be a matter of seconds when she is determined. There is still conflict in her. I see it under the surface, but it is a refreshing sight after seeing so much determination for so long to cling to her anger. It is a struggle for her to try to grasp all the complexities of what trust and love are and understandably so.
It seems funny now, but before we got here, I expected most of her conflict to be over who Mamma was and what my role was having been with Mrs. C for so long. Boy was I wrong! The first day was a little confusing for both her and I, but MAN- by the afternoon of day two- I was seeing what I had been hearing about for the last two weeks, a little girl that was determined to control herself and work towards coming home. She even SAID SHE WANTED TO COME HOME!!!!! She has said she misses all of us (by name and with no prompting) multiple times and she is initiating hugs and kisses and cuddles that seem much more like those of a child that finds comfort in her moms arms, than those of a child who wants some random onlooker watching, to think she is cute. She IS growing stronger and it is so clear to me now. I have lived in so much fear of her rejection of me that it became easier to expect nothing. I look at her now though and am SOOOOOO thankful that we sought the guidance that we did and brought her here. This is EXACTLY where she needs to be right now. I can't tell you the relief I feel as a parent to be here watching her, holding her, and seeing the weight slowly rising off her little shoulders.
She is safe here. She can grow here. She can't hurt others here. She is learning to love. The most comforting part (and the part that has been the most frightening) she is learning to love ME!
With 600 miles between us, she finds more comfort in me now than I ever saw her find in me before. She seems to settle into me holding her differently and while there is clearly reservation and restlessness in moments throughout the day, I also see a new sense of curiosity and absorption as she watches other kids interact with one another and with adults. She is much more in tune to the emotions of others and seems curious about the reasoning behind them. She doesn't ask about them yet, at least, not with me, but you can see it when you look at her.
Her heart isn't quite ready yet though, that is pretty easy to spot (which I am thankful for honestly. I'd rather have that, than think she was ready to come home when she's not). Where Macie had a very clear over-night kind of change, Ella is going to take more time. Ella was far worse off than Macie, but then, we had been told that by countless people, so I'm not sure why that continues to be surprising to me. Ella's little mind has to take in and process more before her heart trusts what she is seeing and hearing. It's coming though. I see BIG differences and very clear change, but the healing will come, when the heart gets involved. She's working on it, but she has a ways to go.
Macie is with me and she is doing well. It's a lot to take in and she needs set aside time with Mamma a few times throughout each day. It doesn't have to be long, but it has to be just her and I and quiet- then she's good for a few hours more. I can't tell you how amazed I am at that child, at BOTH of my girls. They really are going to be amazing women.... I wish you all could see and know them like I do. I just believe in them so much, and in what God made them to be.....
Anyway, Macie is home schooling this year (something I said I'd never do) and she is loving it. She is working with an on-line program (makes lots of trips to see Ella easier), which takes the teaching out of most of it for me and turns it into a fun thing, for her. On a good day- she can get 5 subjects (English, Language Arts, Math, Social Studies and Science) done in an hour and a half. Then we have the rest of the day to play and build up the more important pieces of her life, like trust and attachment to her family.
At present, it has become quite clear that we need to work on Macie being a little more independant from Mamma. I know right? something I never DREAMED I would be looking for at this point, but as I watch her, I am more and more confident that she is ready for it, she just needs the ground rules and the belief in herself to get there. It's the belief in herself that will be the toughest- but it'll come with practice on her part and trust on mine. School is ACTUALLY helping believe it or not. I can't imagine being 6 and trying to figure all of this out. She has done astonishingly well considering.
It's funny, Macie's grandpa made a comment about not really knowing what to think of Macie, only that she was definatley not like any 6-year-old he had ever met. How right he was. It's hard to put Macie in any kind of box. She is not, and has never been a child to me. Neither of my girls ever were, but in so many ways both of them are still just she still just babies. I look at Macie and she is smart, and capable with a caring nature and a desire to please. So much so, that it's sometimes easy to forget how much the built in structure of our home has provided stability for her. When that structure wains or we are outside of her comfort zone, she constantly checks-in for approval and direction. So that is what we will work on now. Little by little, she will begin to regulate new areas of her life. Areas that may seem miniscule to most, but are MASSIVE to her and to us as a family.
I am rambling aren't I? Another long entry.
I'm not going to apologize though. :)
I am encouraged.
Will post pictures when I can.
It seems funny now, but before we got here, I expected most of her conflict to be over who Mamma was and what my role was having been with Mrs. C for so long. Boy was I wrong! The first day was a little confusing for both her and I, but MAN- by the afternoon of day two- I was seeing what I had been hearing about for the last two weeks, a little girl that was determined to control herself and work towards coming home. She even SAID SHE WANTED TO COME HOME!!!!! She has said she misses all of us (by name and with no prompting) multiple times and she is initiating hugs and kisses and cuddles that seem much more like those of a child that finds comfort in her moms arms, than those of a child who wants some random onlooker watching, to think she is cute. She IS growing stronger and it is so clear to me now. I have lived in so much fear of her rejection of me that it became easier to expect nothing. I look at her now though and am SOOOOOO thankful that we sought the guidance that we did and brought her here. This is EXACTLY where she needs to be right now. I can't tell you the relief I feel as a parent to be here watching her, holding her, and seeing the weight slowly rising off her little shoulders.
She is safe here. She can grow here. She can't hurt others here. She is learning to love. The most comforting part (and the part that has been the most frightening) she is learning to love ME!
With 600 miles between us, she finds more comfort in me now than I ever saw her find in me before. She seems to settle into me holding her differently and while there is clearly reservation and restlessness in moments throughout the day, I also see a new sense of curiosity and absorption as she watches other kids interact with one another and with adults. She is much more in tune to the emotions of others and seems curious about the reasoning behind them. She doesn't ask about them yet, at least, not with me, but you can see it when you look at her.
Her heart isn't quite ready yet though, that is pretty easy to spot (which I am thankful for honestly. I'd rather have that, than think she was ready to come home when she's not). Where Macie had a very clear over-night kind of change, Ella is going to take more time. Ella was far worse off than Macie, but then, we had been told that by countless people, so I'm not sure why that continues to be surprising to me. Ella's little mind has to take in and process more before her heart trusts what she is seeing and hearing. It's coming though. I see BIG differences and very clear change, but the healing will come, when the heart gets involved. She's working on it, but she has a ways to go.
Macie is with me and she is doing well. It's a lot to take in and she needs set aside time with Mamma a few times throughout each day. It doesn't have to be long, but it has to be just her and I and quiet- then she's good for a few hours more. I can't tell you how amazed I am at that child, at BOTH of my girls. They really are going to be amazing women.... I wish you all could see and know them like I do. I just believe in them so much, and in what God made them to be.....
Anyway, Macie is home schooling this year (something I said I'd never do) and she is loving it. She is working with an on-line program (makes lots of trips to see Ella easier), which takes the teaching out of most of it for me and turns it into a fun thing, for her. On a good day- she can get 5 subjects (English, Language Arts, Math, Social Studies and Science) done in an hour and a half. Then we have the rest of the day to play and build up the more important pieces of her life, like trust and attachment to her family.
At present, it has become quite clear that we need to work on Macie being a little more independant from Mamma. I know right? something I never DREAMED I would be looking for at this point, but as I watch her, I am more and more confident that she is ready for it, she just needs the ground rules and the belief in herself to get there. It's the belief in herself that will be the toughest- but it'll come with practice on her part and trust on mine. School is ACTUALLY helping believe it or not. I can't imagine being 6 and trying to figure all of this out. She has done astonishingly well considering.
It's funny, Macie's grandpa made a comment about not really knowing what to think of Macie, only that she was definatley not like any 6-year-old he had ever met. How right he was. It's hard to put Macie in any kind of box. She is not, and has never been a child to me. Neither of my girls ever were, but in so many ways both of them are still just she still just babies. I look at Macie and she is smart, and capable with a caring nature and a desire to please. So much so, that it's sometimes easy to forget how much the built in structure of our home has provided stability for her. When that structure wains or we are outside of her comfort zone, she constantly checks-in for approval and direction. So that is what we will work on now. Little by little, she will begin to regulate new areas of her life. Areas that may seem miniscule to most, but are MASSIVE to her and to us as a family.
I am rambling aren't I? Another long entry.
I'm not going to apologize though. :)
I am encouraged.
Will post pictures when I can.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Confession....
We broke the rules.
The RAD parent rule that says don't take your kids on trips for a year post diagnosis. Yep- that one.
I never would have dreamt of breaking it in the first place except that Macie has been doing SOOOO well and we only had a window. It was a small one, but it was free miles and there is no way we could do it any other time this year with all that is ahead of us.
I know some of you are going to be all irritated that we didn't stop by, say hi, or even call while we were there, but we couldn't. It was a small window with a very specific purpose. A trip especially for immediately family only. A trip for those Macie needs to have memories with. Her grandparents, and of course, she had a baby new cousin to meet too!
Everyone was wonderful and especially sensitive to the special needs our family has. I can't tell you how much this means to a RAD kid and their family and how EXTREMELY DIFFICULT it is to accept and comply with some of the things we RAD parents ask of our family members. That said, everyone did their best to give Macie the support she needs, even when it went against every instinct they had (the root of it is over-stimulation, but it doesn't take much at all to get there with Macie).
Macie is pretty good at letting us know when she is struggling and she seemed really sensitive to the number of people we were with in a given location as well as the volume of conversations regardless of whether or not she was involved. Part of it is a difficulty she has with not being in control, but part of it is genuinely frightening to her as well. So those things were noted and will be worked on a little more as time goes on. Overall though, for a trip taken 8 months post-diagnosis- SHE DID AMAZING!
Anyway, long-story-short the inconvenience of a spontaneous trip and the schedule conflicts that incurred for everyone, turned out to be one of the best times we have had since we brought the girls home. We couldn't have done it without the grace and patience of all grandparents involved as well as help from Auntie Lou on the planning/organization of it all and the 3am airport shuttle that Mimi provided. It really was a good trip. We look forward to coming again some day.... fingers crossed it's before another 3 years pass and it's as a whole family, not a broken one.
So, our world keeps spinning.
I'll keep you posted.
Beth
The RAD parent rule that says don't take your kids on trips for a year post diagnosis. Yep- that one.
I never would have dreamt of breaking it in the first place except that Macie has been doing SOOOO well and we only had a window. It was a small one, but it was free miles and there is no way we could do it any other time this year with all that is ahead of us.
I know some of you are going to be all irritated that we didn't stop by, say hi, or even call while we were there, but we couldn't. It was a small window with a very specific purpose. A trip especially for immediately family only. A trip for those Macie needs to have memories with. Her grandparents, and of course, she had a baby new cousin to meet too!
Everyone was wonderful and especially sensitive to the special needs our family has. I can't tell you how much this means to a RAD kid and their family and how EXTREMELY DIFFICULT it is to accept and comply with some of the things we RAD parents ask of our family members. That said, everyone did their best to give Macie the support she needs, even when it went against every instinct they had (the root of it is over-stimulation, but it doesn't take much at all to get there with Macie).
Macie is pretty good at letting us know when she is struggling and she seemed really sensitive to the number of people we were with in a given location as well as the volume of conversations regardless of whether or not she was involved. Part of it is a difficulty she has with not being in control, but part of it is genuinely frightening to her as well. So those things were noted and will be worked on a little more as time goes on. Overall though, for a trip taken 8 months post-diagnosis- SHE DID AMAZING!
EVERYONE DID AMAZING!!!!!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!!
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| Meeting cousin Elyse. |
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| Blackberry picking with Garrett. |
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| Soaking up the sun by the flumes. |
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| Dry heat makes porch sittin' much more enjoyable! |
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| Fishin' with Grandpa and Dad. |
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| and the boat can go FAST!!!!!!! |
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| A full lake, a fast boat and the safety of Daddy's arms. Good times. |
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| Our 3am taxi to the airport. I've never known a nicer driver. I should have tipped her more (love you mom). |
So, our world keeps spinning.
I'll keep you posted.
Beth
A Long Awaited Ella Update
Ella is alive and kickin'! She is still with Ms. C and is continuing to work through her "stuff". She has a lot of anger in her and over the last few weeks she has FINALLY let it show in the way that we saw it here at home (not pretty). This is a HUGE step for her. She is learning that her way won't work in this life and that the emotional power she may have had in this house, won't work where she is. We were hopeful it would come sooner, but she IS our Ella and does everything in her own sweet time. :)
All that will-power may make this part of life harder for her, but she will also be a woman that will move mountains when she is grown. I am excited to see her continue to take steps forward. I talk to her just about every day and as much as it is hard to hear her voice, her language and tone are also a good indicator of change that has happened and change that is to come. I am encouraged. The girls would not be as far along as they are if they were together.
As much as it is painful for all of us, we know that she has to get through the surface coping methods so we can't get to the heart of the hurt. Once we get there..... then we can start talking about coming home.
At this point we are looking at December as our month to reunify. We will be spending our Christmas break with Ella where she currently is, getting used to longer stretches of time together and then the final week of the break we will be in a much more intense setting with some of the nations best and most experienced attachment specialists in the field. It will be a very hands on, specialized week for our family alone where we will all receive hours of counseling each day as a family as well as marital counseling and preparation for the transitions that are ahead. When we leave there, we will leave as a family. The four of us, changed and united as a family (to be honest it scares me to death to even type those words. It is so frightening to hope for that, but I do.).
What this means in the here-and-now, is preparing everything else. There is funding to worry about - not a shocker there- but much more importantly the hearts of those with Ella, as well as our own. We are all vested in her, in both of the girls and we want hearts to be prepared, whole and excited to come together and to let go as well.
Macie and Ella have started talking on the phone. Of course, it's over speaker phone so that I can monitor things, but it's going well. We have some backlash coming up- but it's fairly minimal and getting worked through pretty quickly, so those calls will increase.
We are keeping physical distance for the time being. Ella's progress is substantial enough that I don't want to disrupt it by myself and Macie showing up to say "hi". With the backlash just from a phone call, we have decided it best to hold off another couple of weeks for another visit.
However, once those weeks pass, and if we continue to progress with both girls, the visits increase quite a bit in the following months in the hopes that over the Thanksgiving break we might be able to have Ella to ourselves for a few days before the final transition in December.
Anyway, so that's the hope and the tentative plan.
We continue to hope and we are thankful for progress.
All that will-power may make this part of life harder for her, but she will also be a woman that will move mountains when she is grown. I am excited to see her continue to take steps forward. I talk to her just about every day and as much as it is hard to hear her voice, her language and tone are also a good indicator of change that has happened and change that is to come. I am encouraged. The girls would not be as far along as they are if they were together.
As much as it is painful for all of us, we know that she has to get through the surface coping methods so we can't get to the heart of the hurt. Once we get there..... then we can start talking about coming home.
At this point we are looking at December as our month to reunify. We will be spending our Christmas break with Ella where she currently is, getting used to longer stretches of time together and then the final week of the break we will be in a much more intense setting with some of the nations best and most experienced attachment specialists in the field. It will be a very hands on, specialized week for our family alone where we will all receive hours of counseling each day as a family as well as marital counseling and preparation for the transitions that are ahead. When we leave there, we will leave as a family. The four of us, changed and united as a family (to be honest it scares me to death to even type those words. It is so frightening to hope for that, but I do.).
What this means in the here-and-now, is preparing everything else. There is funding to worry about - not a shocker there- but much more importantly the hearts of those with Ella, as well as our own. We are all vested in her, in both of the girls and we want hearts to be prepared, whole and excited to come together and to let go as well.
Macie and Ella have started talking on the phone. Of course, it's over speaker phone so that I can monitor things, but it's going well. We have some backlash coming up- but it's fairly minimal and getting worked through pretty quickly, so those calls will increase.
We are keeping physical distance for the time being. Ella's progress is substantial enough that I don't want to disrupt it by myself and Macie showing up to say "hi". With the backlash just from a phone call, we have decided it best to hold off another couple of weeks for another visit.
However, once those weeks pass, and if we continue to progress with both girls, the visits increase quite a bit in the following months in the hopes that over the Thanksgiving break we might be able to have Ella to ourselves for a few days before the final transition in December.
Anyway, so that's the hope and the tentative plan.
We continue to hope and we are thankful for progress.
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