Names

I miss Ella.
I know it should kinda go without saying, but I need to say it just the same.
I miss her... well, her everything.
Her hugs.
Her laugh.
Her smile.
Her little hands.
They way she runs.
The way she struts.
Her funny faces.
Her "everything" list is a long one.
There is an emptiness- still a void in this house.
My home isn't whole without her.
I am not whole without her.

From the beginning, I have talked with the girls about home being wherever we are all together. I did this knowing with military moves and deployment, it is going to be crucial that the girls understand that "home" is defined by something other than a house for our family. It is what we are when we are united. So maybe that's the feeling I'm struggling with. None of us are really a home right now. We are only part of one. There is an Ella missing and while we function and learn and grow and move forward- her bedroom lays empty and the laughter is less as we wait patiently for her heart to soften and ready itself and her to come home.

I know she is where she needs to be. I don't mean to plant a seed of doubt in anyone's mind. I am certain we are on the right path. I just miss my baby girl. There are times when I am sadly reminded that I am missing "it". Missing those moments you photograph and reminisce about for years after they happen. I am missing stages of her life that I will never get back. I know I sound pathetic. I just miss my girl.

There are days when I have to work to remind myself that this is only for a time, that I'm not a bad parent or someone that is simply detached from her child. Believe me, there is a whole slew of horrid lines I have to deafen myself to on those days. I wish I could express what a help it is and how thankful I am for Ms. C and her willingness to tolerate all the Ella snail mail she finds in her mailbox (which she is kind enough to read out loud to her while I am on the phone) as well as my daily phone calls to Ella in my desperate attempt to stay as connected to my daughter as possible. It is that connection that keeps me sane.

It's funny, when we began looking at names for our children, long before the referral for the girls even came to us, we knew that their names would be important. We didn't want frilly, girly/girly-man names. We wanted strong, powerful names that our children would be proud to carry with them as they walked through this world. We knew we would keep their birth names with them. So, we had that to consider as the time approached as well. To us, their heritage was just as important as the new lives they would be beginning.

When we scrolled down the computer screen and saw their faces and names for the first time, we knew that their names demanded nothing less than the strength they would need to survive the fear and uncertainty reflected in their beautiful eyes.

It took some time, but looking back, we clearly had divine guidance.

Ella Birtukan, put together, means bright, beautiful, light. Ella's laugh, when it's real- could make the world turn with all the joy that is behind it. She lights up a room and fills it with this contagious energy that could provide enough power to light up the continental US. The tough part about Ella is that I am still learning her. She is still learning herself. She has a long way to go, but I know she is exactly what her name implies. We didn't know how much power would be in her name when we gave it to her, but we see it now and it gives us hope. I can't wait to learn more of her.

Sara (pronounced Sadah) Macie, put together, means enduring princess. Macie..... well, I know her better now, so I can say more. Endurance hardly covers what she has survived and continues to work through..... she is so much more than a 6 year old should be, and so much less at the same time. I see her at 2, I see her at 4, at 6, at 16, at 30- all within hours of a day. She is an old soul and one that we grow to love more each day that we learn her.

However- the meaning of Sara.... Princess.... okay- there is a story here.

I hate princesses. I think of snotty, perfect, fairy tale stories that never tell you the truth after the "happily ever after" part of the story. Sara means princess.
I was not exactly pleased with this choice of name, but it was not the name I gave her.
Come to find out when I was in Ethiopia, that there is more to the story that happened before she even left her parents care. Apparently it was not the name that was originally chosen for her, but, long-story-short it was the name her birth parents finally granted her in the weeks after her birth. The irony lies in that while we have worked through all of this RAD stuff, the idea presented from the very beginning (at attachment camp) is that our family is made up of a King, Queen and two little girls who will be princesses when their hearts are healed and whole. Macie couldn't get enough of it and the concept sunk in with teeth that WILL NOT let go. I may not have wanted one- but a princess I have! She healed this summer and WITHOUT QUESTION is a princess beyond one I have ever known. One I am completely proud to call mine.

Anyway, to say that the girls names mean something, is putting it lightly. Without knowing it, the names given to them by their four parents defined them long before any one of us even knew them.

People ask, even more-so now, if we would have chosen to adopt the girls had we known what we do. There are definitely days where that question rises to the surface and I struggle with it a great deal. Then I look at something like their names and have to stop questioning. The chances that two couples that could not have more different lives or be further apart could, at different times, name the same two children more accurately or more beautifully..... All I have to do is reflect on something as simple as that and I know in my heart that I still would have gotten on that plane and brought my girls home. I still believe, even after all the pain, even still WITH the pain- we are given the children we are meant to have. Not only to provide them with the parents they need, but to make US, as parents- the best people we can be.

OK- enough with the adoption/RAD ranting for the day....

In other, completely random, news, our neighbors house was broken into. We live in an old neighborhood with some of the older homes still standing and the basement window of one of them got smashed in. I guess whoever entered took old family jewelry and that was it. We have nothing like that in our house. The valuable things in our house, come with eyes and ears attached. For that, I am thankful. Still, it is un-nerving to know that being as close as we are to them, we heard nothing, saw nothing and could be next on the house hit list. We live in a great neighborhood. Our neighbors are the kind you can go to if some kind of crisis hits and you need help. It's just upsetting.

Our house however, has a barking machine. Dudley usually drives me nuts when he is barking. He barks at other dogs. He barks at squirrels. He barks at strange people. He barks at the doorbell or at a leaf falling if it suits him. This kind of barking can lead me towards an irresistible urge to pull my hair out, but when I am reminded by a police officer investigating a neighborhood break-in that "Dogs are the best crime deterrent."- I am suddenly and  completely UN-ANNOID.

Dudley is getting lots of extra treats this week. :)

My completely spoiled, road-tripping, hero-of-a-dog..... Dudley. :)