The Hard Parts

So there are some definite moments of struggling during this adoption process. While we have a busy few months ahead and an endless "to do" list to conquer (which I am thankful for), our baby is constantly on my mind and heart. Yes, adoption is hard folks! The wait is longer, the information is minimal, and the instability of it all can be unbearable. There is a hole in my heart knowing that I am not able to experience this part of life with our child. It's an ache that I can not describe knowing that I am so far away and so out of reach.
Don't get me wrong, I would make the choice to adopt a million times over, and I would encourage others to do the same, but the wait is, at times, heartbreaking. Some moments are harder than others, and there are long periods of time when I am thankful for the months we have to plan for the transitions that are ahead. The distractions of change can last for days, but then I'll see a pregnant woman and in an instant, my breath is gone and my heart begins to ache.
I know that adoption may not have the physical joys and pains of pregnancy, but the desire for those experiences is there, and the longing to hold my child is no less. There is such a real part of me that wants to feel my stomach flutter and see my child's face on a sonogram. Part of me wants to watch my belly grow and know that in only a few more months the life being carried will be welcomed into our arms and brought home forever. The miracle of motherhood is one that goes beyond pregnancy, but there certainly aspects of those precious 9 months that I wish I could experience with this child.
It's the peace that comes after those difficult moments that always amazes me. When the "waiting" tears stop falling by the bucketful and I can pick myself up off the puddle on the floor, when all of the aching subsides and the weight of the world begins to lift off my shoulders I realize, this is nothing. All of that hurt and all of that pain is just a fraction of what my child's family must feel, what their mother will feel, what my child will feel. Those moments of loss are God given gifts that I have been given. Those moments stir up feelings that connect me to my child and his/her mother and family. Feelings that I can't begin to compare to their own, but that give me a window into the heartbreak that they must feel.
There is not a doubt that our child is where God has wants him/her for this time, for his purpose. That said, I long to have our baby here, home and in our arms. I miss our little ones that we don't even know. What a miraculous thing, to adopt. While I may not be the woman privileged enough to carry my children, I certainly feel bound to them, the woman that brings them into this world, and to the family that they come from.