Pushing Through.

We seem to have a few good days and then hit a tough one.
Daddy being gone has taken it's toll on us all, but the girls are beginning to adjust. He comes home from training for a single day then is off to Japan. To be honest, I am a little anxious about what it will do to the girls to have him come and then leave again, but I am also hopeful. Maybe if they see that Daddy comes back after a little bit, then this second chunk of time will be easier. That is the hope anyway.
The new house has a big playroom downstairs and I was listening to the monitor as the girls were playing the other day. There was conversation about Ababa and Daddy and how they are "all gone". I let it go, because I didn't want to make a fuss about it at the time, uncertain as to how much of it was just play, but the behavior that followed from Macie spoke so profoundly of her insecurity that I couldn't help but address it later on.
Macie, being the older one, CLEARLY has substantial memories of Ababa and her home in Ethiopia. It was only a year ago that she left that home and was moved to another and then another, so those pieces of her life are still clear enough to haunt her.
After a much earned and well deserved time out, I sat down with her and rocked her trying to sooth the uncertainty of another person she loves being gone. As she looked up at me with big tears in her eyes I asked her what was wrong. Clearer than anything else she could have said came the words "I miss Ababa".
I pulled her into my arms and let the tears fall down her cheeks as my own fell down mine. I miss him too. A man I don't even know, loves our children from thousands of miles away and doesn't get to see the blessings that they are. He doesn't get to know how amazing they are, how smart they are or what they look like when they sleep, what they sound like when they get the giggles, or their expression when they are being sneaky. He doesn't know that we know he gave them the best he could and then gave them more by giving them to us.
How do you explain all of the complexities of that to a 4 year old? How do I say he loved them more than himself? How can I help her to see how much she meant to him? What do you say to those tears, to that kind of pain? What comfort can I possibly give my little girl other than my arms?
I know so much of it has to do with Garrett being gone. I know it has shaken up memories that weren't far below the surface. Garrett has done all he can, as have I, and we will continue to reassure them that Daddy will come back, but that is something that our girls have never seen, and that tragedy has left it's mark.
We talked about Ababa for a long time after that. She showed his picture to people that were at the house and has mentioned him often over the last few days.
There is such a tender place in her heart for Ababa and for Ethiopia itself.
She knows so much more than any of us give her credit for. It breaks my heart to see her carry such a heavy hurt. I can fill days with play, with projects, lessons and love, but it is in those poignant moments with Macie, those windows into her early little life, that I am humbled by Ababa and the gift he gave to us.
I am hopeful that today will change things for the better. That all of Mama's talking about Daddy coming home, will now hold some meaning and some comfort for our girls. Healing is possible and we are counting the hours til we see Daddy again. I'll keep you updated.