Macie

WEDNESDAY

She is different. Softer today. I won't divulge much because I don't want to jinx it and I am catious for obviously painful reasons, but I will say this... my ears heard the most precious sound tonight. :)

Macie laughing.
REALLY laughing.
GIGGLING laughing.
The contagious, can't help myself kind of laugh that comes from the part of her that was there before all the pain. The part of her that so desperately wants to get past it.... it was better than any moment I have had as a parent up until now. I have never felt more joy in my entire life.
It was REAL and it scares me to death to put it down in a blog entry because I am so frightened that it might be some kind of delusion. Or that I will wake up in the morning and we will be back to the cold distant Macie I have come to know so well. That fear is more real than I care to admit, but now hope looms on the horizon and I am scared out of my wits.
Imagine being a mother and feeling for the first time, like you can see your child and WANT to be with them and parent them and love them. Even more amazing... feeling like you might be able to love them openly without the fear of them hating you in return. This is what it is to be a RAD parent.

FRIDAY
I've had three days of a new little girl. Three days full of moments that every mother dreams of. Three days of giggles, of little girl play, of.... the miracle I knew she was when I saw her picture for the first time. She is AMAZING! She sounds different. She looks different. She talks differently..... it's unreal!!!!

They say that this is how it happens. There are two are three really intense times of these kids pushing behaviors WAY past any they have displayed before. Parents get pushed to the edge and then..... miracle of miracles, a switch gets hit and there is a change.

 
I can't tell you and you will never understand (unless you've raised a RAD child yourself) what this is like, but you'll have to trust me. It is truly miraculous. We have months of relationship building ahead and some serious memories to make :), but we are past the hardest part. Her heart is soft and she is the most incredible little girl I have EVER known.... She's gonna change the world, this one.

One down. One to go.