Finding Peace in Heart Ache

Macie was as solid as a rock for days. I mean- SOLID! She was like I had never seen her and I could not get enough of it. Even after Garrett came home from TDY (temporary duty), she was off the charts amazing. Garrett was floored. I was floored. Macie was a changed girl.

Then Ella got worse. She saw the change in Macie and decided that she was going to do everything within her power to sabotage the progress. This may bring to mind simple sibling rivalry scenes for most readers, but let me assure you that the words, actions and evident hatred that readily spewed from the lips of my youngest, were NOTHING like what one envisions as simple, sibling rivalry.

Ella's anger overpowers everything else within her and she loses control of everything. She is aggressive verbally and physically with no thought for the feelings of her intended target. Over the last three weeks on more occasions than I care to count, I have had my arms wrapped around Macie as hushed tears have traveled down both of our faces in a desperate attempt to keep Ella from knowing that she was getting to us. It was an emotional nightmare that Macie wasn't yet strong enough to battle and she began to regress. The softness that had come days before remained, but we could almost see the division in her little spirit as she struggled through the knowledge that with each poor choice she made, she lost footing and direction that had felt so good to her. She was faced with the choice between loyalties to her sick sister (even as hurtful as she was to Macie) or loyalty to herself and the healthy and strong princess she so desperately wanted to be.

Well let me tell you about Macie and loyalty. Macie is already the kind of person that all of us want when life gets hard. She will give up everything for those she loves, no matter what loss that might mean for her. She "knew" (and still struggles with to some extent) that she was responsible for Ella. With all they have lived through, it has been Macie that has led the way and provided Ella with the consistency of family that Macie so desperately wants for herself. Macie hasn't lost that sense of responsibility and never will as long as Ella knows she has that power over her and chooses to use it as a weapon.

Those times when both Macie and I were brought to tears, Macie was crying for Ella. Crying because she knew it was the "sick talking" and not Ella's heart. Crying because she wanted her sister to be healed and whole and able to play. Crying because in some horrifying way she was feeling the same loss that I have felt over the last two years. She was being violently rejected by someone that she had allowed herself to love, care for and protect. She cries for the time lost playing together, learning together, living together. She cries for the loss of hugs, giggles and days that should be filled with the simplicity of time with one another. In those moments, held by Mamma and hidden from Ella, she cried from a place deeper than any child should ever cry, and she understood in those tears and those moments, as best she could, what it was to be me. Macie's tears fell not for the torment her sister caused her, but the unconscious pain her sister felt. Ultimately, Macie denied herself and the good that was coming to her, out of hope that her sister might not feel so alone in her own misery.

The whole situation brought Garrett and I to sobbing, angry, tears knowing that we were at a crossroads and no matter what decision was made, it would drastically alter life for our family. We had one child pleading and desperate (for the first time in her life) for Garrett and I to be actual real parents to her. Macie, for those few days of solidity, was  WANTING us, wanting ME (AS A MOM!!!!!) in a way we had never felt or seen. Ella was at a point where she was prepared to do anything to destroy Macie's progress. Both the girls needed me but the triangulation was a nightmare to even logistically try to get around, never mind the emotional pull that we all had on each other. We knew that Macie would never be able to stabilize with Ella in the house and Ella would never begin to heal as long as she could hurt Macie. 

We prayed.
We watched.
We waited.
Then... we knew.
The decision was made with a great deal of caution, reverent prayer and counsel.

I packed the girls up and we sought help from one of the most amazingly gifted women I know (we'll call her Ms. C). She welcomed us with open arms and after days of observation, prayer and work, agreed, Macie would never continue to strengthen and heal as long as her sister remained as sick as she was. It was clear that Ella's only chance at a full recovery was to be surrounded with a healthy family that could show her, without the distraction of other sick kids, what it means to be a family.

It was decided. Ella would stay with Ms. C until she showed some substantial progress.

How can I put into words what it feels like to have a child absent from your home? What can I say to make sense of the decision to put the life and well being of your child into the hands of someone else for an indeterminable length of time? How can I describe the pain, the desperation, or the guilt a parent feels when they are left with the choice between one healed child or two sick children? I could try, but I would fail to make sense of it. I myself struggle to understand it all, but I do believe we did the right thing.

There was no emotion from Ella when I left. No anger. No fear. No regret. No loss. Not in the minutes before or the hours and days after Macie and I walked away from her in tears, did she mutter so much as a word of sadness, anger or loss. If she feels an attachment to either Macie or myself, it is minimal. Her anger is too overpowering. It is a conflict that is far beyond her grasp of recognition and one began long before I held her in my arms for the first time. It that brings me to my knees in prayer countless times every day. My nights are filled with dreams of her and my days are filled with wonder as to how she is doing.

I imagine that I struggle with the same guilt other RAD moms do. I wonder constantly what I have done so wrong that my youngest child still hasn't bonded with me after two-and-a-half years. I call/email/text Ms. C multiple times a day and am welcome to visit whenever I can, but Macie is so clearly affected by visits that we have to keep a close eye on how all of that works. Ideally, we'd like to all go, so that Macie can keep distance without feeling neglected by one of her much needed parents, but that doesn't work out often.With Garrett in his fourth year of medical school, he is under an even greater pressure than in the years prior and that limits much of his time. Needless to say, we have put a lot of miles on the car and visit as often as we physically and financially can. I am thankful for the phone, the regular calls/texts it allows me to make, and the willing, compassionate response on the other end of it.

I find great comfort in the knowledge that Ella is in the best hands she could be in outside of my own. Hands that I trust to hold her, to teach her and to grow her in the same way I had hoped to in the months that are ahead. She has four very healthy children to watch, all of whom have a strong attachment to their own mother. She is being taught how to work through her anger instead of expressing it through violent and aggressive behaviors. She has the time and space to learn, and grow as God intended her to and she is reminded (which is such a comfort for me) throughout each day that as soon as she can control her anger and move forward with an honest desire and ability to connect, she will be welcomed back home into the anxiously awaiting, open arms of her Momma, Daddy and sister.

Macie and I cried as the distance grew between ourselves and Ella. We shared that moment and then I watched a miracle happen. Macie's face, tear stained and sad, suddenly found peace. Her eyes softened again without reservation or fear of anyone questioning it. She found my reflection in the rear view mirror and as her tears dried she said "She has to get strong. I understand Mamma. It's gonna be ok.". She smiled, closed her eyes and fell fast asleep. It was in that moment that I knew I had made the best decision I could for both of my children. It was in the tears that fell after Macie's sweet face found rest that I let go. I sobbed for hours as the miles drove me further from my baby girl and closer to the heart of my oldest. I ran out of tears at some point in the middle of the night and realized that I had a healthy child that needed me now and I had to focus on her while God worked on the one I was unable to hold. "It's only for a time", I kept telling myself and I do believe that with all of my heart. I have hope that our family will be whole again. I cling to the dream that it will be far sooner than anyone can imagine.

Macie is thriving. She will find peace with being herself. She will come to a place where she won't live in fear of rejection. We talk about Ella a lot. We pray for her a lot. We love her no matter where we are or where she is. We feel the loss of her and we hold onto hope.

Please pray.


Blessings- Laura Story
Listen  here .

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

For more on attachment disorder, visit www.attachment.org .