The Weekend

We are in Georgia with Ella for the next few days. Will post when I can.

Ella

Ella's heart is like a rock.

I spoke with her on the phone today and she sounds so cold. Colder than I have heard her in a long time. There are reasons for it. Reasons that are expected and that make sense, but it's eerie just the same. She has this other persona that comes out sometimes..... she is closer to that than I have heard her in months. This is expected. Things always get worse before they get better. In that way, it is good news.

She can listen but can't hear anything, which is not surprising. She is unresponsive to anything. Positive. Negative. Neutral. She is totally cold. I call it "kill mode". The kind of mode one would have to be in, in order to complete a mission that would take a crazy amount of focus and resolve without any regard for anything or anyone other than the mission itself. She is simply surviving. She is really more of a machine than a person. A body alone, really. The only emotion that's real is fear and that is completely encompassed in a very focused and narcissistic rage that she hardly able to contain any longer.

It is heartbreaking. It is encouraging. It is hard.

Art Work

4 months ago, Macie was drawing pictures that were without detail and without joy. She struggled to be thankful for much of anything. 6 months ago, they were just plain scary and there was NO WAY I could trust her with paste or scissors.
These are some she has done within the last month.

These last few are of her and Garrett working last night. They had some drawing time focusing on the details of a rose. Macie did her own, on her own. Garrett- well, I'm sure Macie helped. ;)

Funny Stories and Family Updates

First off, let me clarify something with all of you. It has been a LONG time since we have experienced any of the commentary that I posted on in my last blog. I wrote on the subject due to a conversation I had earlier in the week that reminded me of all the things I never really got into about RAD, the diagnosis and the day-to-day therapudic parenting techniques we use in our house to manage all of it. Once I started writing I seemed to suddenly take on all the emotions that rolls into parenting a RAD kid. Clearly, I got a little caught up. I hope the content got across as much as the emotion did. :)

Moving on.

So in the last two weeks, Macie has gone from hating math to loving it. She is adding and subtracting double digits, and has even learned to carry the 1 when she is adding. Now she has this amazing pride in herself and can't wait to get math done first thing in the morning. Macie has needed me right there next to her if she has questions or if the computer has a problem. Today, she got all huffy and after a few frustrated sighs, she let me know that she wanted to do her math alone. She cracks me up. I left her alone and she was more than fine asking for help when she needed it. I love this kid. :)

We have also worked on reading quite a bit. It's hard to believe it, but just 4 months ago this kiddo refused to read at all to me. She just wouldn't do it. Now, she reads outloud to me multiple times throughout the day without me even prompting her (thank you TimeForLearning.com). We just started reading Charlotte's Web for the 2nd time and she is taking turns reading alongside me. She can actually get the vast majorit of words down. The kid is a sponge.
In crafting news (sort of), we started working on Ella's room. There are still repairs that need to be made due to all the damage done, but we cleaned up a lot and did some painting that left the room and the furniture much improved. By "we", I actually do mean Macie and me. She and I have painted a ton of stuff. By the time we were done, we were both laughing and very pleased with ourselves and our "For:Ella Love: Mamma and Macie" with a heart, that we had painted on the back of her new dresser.

There is still work to be done, but in the months ahead, we have time. It's refreshing to see her bed up and things on the wall again. Both the girls had rooms that were pretty bare for so long that it's refreshing to have them both look more lively now. It is always an added perk to see Garrett's expression when he comes home and discovers just how much transformation can take place in a room during just one of his 12 hour days.

Medical school is a subject I don't cover much. It is a mixed bag. Garrett loves medicine. He loves the practice of it and being treated like a doctor (which is really what he is- this isn't civilian medicine after all. He has his own patients and as Macie says, he's "Busy savin' lives".) at Walter Reed. We are into year four and Garrett is finishing up one of two months he will spend on internal medicine. This rotation has meant 6 days of work a week and being on-call every 3rd day (which means longer days like 5am until 9 or 10pm instead of being home around 5pm). We have one month of internal medicine off and then he goes back to it over the month of November. My fingers are crossed that he will have some kind of Thanksgiving break so that we can fit in a visit to Ella that includes him, but that is something we won't know until the rotation begins.

So, for the month of October, Garrett moves to working at a local AIDS clinic which means great hours (8-5ish with weekends off we think) and more time at home. This is such a nice gift for us. We miss family time. Anyway, Garrett graduates in April and we move shortly thereafter. We will have no idea where until mid December.  It's another aspect of life I never imagined myself able to tolerate- choices of that magnitude being out of my control. Now, it's not even on my radar. It seems almost insignifigant. There are so many other things that are more important than some silly move that is 7 months away. In a way I am thankful that I don't have any say in the decision. It would likely just add more stress to what will be an already overloaded household.

I speak with Ms. C every day. Ella is in a holding pattern. It is one that is expected and normal with these kids, but frustrating none the less. She is passive/agressive in ways that are subtle and underlying, but could be hurtful and destructive to the hearts of those she is around. Again, I am reminded that she is EXACTLY where she needs to be. The family she is with is a healthy one with strong connections and attachments to one another. They have seen this before in other kids and they are strong enough to respond as they have been taught. If she were home, she would reek havoc on Macie's little heart.

Just today, Macie and I were sitting on the couch and she was talking about how much she missed Ella. I asked her to tell me what she missed and she started to tell me about a time that Ella had actually done something mean to her, but when Ella laughed, Macie dismissed it because Ella's laughter was so contagious. We sat for a minute and I asked Macie some questions the directed the conversation the way it needed to go in order for her to see what had really happened. Macie teared up. She hadn't realized that Ella had actually been laughing AT her, not with her.

We talk things through a lot in our house. I don't lie. I don't skirt around issues. I don't think it helps anything. Santa doesn't exist. St. Nicholas did. The holiday isn't about getting. It's about Christ and celebrating what he gave. Not everyone celebrates Christmas. It's not wrong to believe something different or be friends with someone who does. It's not wrong to love, no matter who they are. It IS wrong NOT to. There is a difference between loving someone and liking what they are doing. It ISN'T fair that we don't match. God exists, put our family together, and doesn't make mistakes. Beautiful things can come from painful experiences. We wouldn't avoid these talks if we could. They are some of the best parts of parenting. They aren't a daily occurance. They aren't even sought out, but when they happen- they are priceless.

We talk about Ella in the same way. We talk about what Ella has said and done. She has done some pretty memorable things around here. When those things come up we hash through them. We talk about what it means for Ella to be sick and what we hope for when she comes home. We talk about how it's a heart thing for her and how scared she must be on the inside. We talk A LOT about how most of the time, people think it's easier to let the fear turn into anger, than it is to face the fear head on and talk about it. We talk to heal. We talk to resolve. We talk to bring the darkness into the light and it does.

Macie misses the sister she has never had, like I missed the Macie I had never known. We all miss Ella. We wait for her and in the mean time, we look forward to meeting the Ella we have never known.

"You Just Need to Love Them More"

*** Garrett's thoughts on today's post;  "Feelin' feisty today?". I guess I'm bringin' the feisty. ***

Whatever you do- DO NOT say this to anyone involved in the life of a child with attachment disorder. It is one of the most insulting and degrading things that you can say.

A parent on a playground picks up their diabetic child and gives them an insulin shot. Can you imagine yourself running up to that parent and telling them that they are the reason that their child is sick? Would you have the nerve to tell them that they should just simply love their child more and that then their child would be magically well? No. To do that would make you an uneducated idiot, to say nothing of a rude human being who causes further confusion to a child undergoing treatment for a potentially terminal illness.

Over the last 2 years and 10 months we have been given all kinds of parenting advice. We have been told any number of the following (these are just some of them) in any number of circumstances by any combination of people;

We are too leanient.
We worry too much.
We aren't strict enough.
We are bad parents.
We read into things too much.
We aren't encouraging enough.
We don't hold our kids enough.
We aren't fun enough.
We shouldn't be parents.
We are too strict.
We are being too hard on ourselves.
We should have just had "our own" kids.
We just need to try harder.
We are taking it all to seriously.
We need to relax more.
The kids will grow out of it.
We should "get away" from it all for a while.
We need to just "love our kids more".

All this, while our children have exhibited any number of the following behaviors (again, it's a condensed list and combinations are likely);

Stealing (from crayons to cell phones)
Paint peeling
Window banging
Door hitting (not slamming- physically hitting)
Hair knotting (NOT in a style)
Self injurious behavior
Cruelty to animals
Sneaky behaviors
Chronic lying
Sabotaging Fun
Urine and/or feces in any number of places besides the toilet
Vomiting
Spit can go a long way and it can spread a pretty far distance.
Triangulation
No eye contact
Random stranger affection
No parental affection in private- only for performance purposes
Preoccupation with fire, blood and death
Constant noise and chatter (beyond what is normal for a child)
Speech patterns such as; "what?", "I don't know" and constant interrupting.

I write this down because a lot of people don't know what it is like to have a child with RAD. Most, in fact, have never even heard of attachment disorder. Fewer still, could recognize the symptoms in an adolescent diagnosed, let alone a child. 

People didn't want to believe us. People still don't want to believe it. It's hard to believe, even if you have seen it. Of course, it doesn't help that we are 3000 miles from those who would normally be exposed to it the most (family and friends), but that's life.

To say our parenting has changed would be an understatement. To say that we are normal would be.... well ridiculous. We battle every day to learn more and grow more as a family. After such an intense time of struggle, we are learning to slowly let our guard down and trust. Macie is a good one to learn that with. She is teaching us as much as we are teaching her and we are all slow learners, which allows both time and experience to cement the relationships in more.

So, after 6 months of radically different parenting, we are reaping a harvest and I wish I could express how relieved both Garrett and I are, to finally be enjoying parenthood. All of us (Ella included, although it's certainly not her primary issue right now) are still battling PTSD and have to work through those issues on a fairly regular basis. Depending on the day, the stresses and the circumstances, we can all get hit by triggers that can throw any one of us, or all of us into a tailspin that takes us back months in the way we parent, process, or support one another. There is a constant need to be on guard against ones self when painful memories threaten to undo this kind of growth. If I allow myself the wrong instant to be unaware of my own emotional state- I could respond in a way that leads Macie and myself into total confusion over what is going on and what is expected. The same could be said for her. There are days when she just kind of hits a wall so-to-speak. Something gets triggered. She gets angry and she shuts down. As much as the attachment to me is there, the PTSD kicks in and we can both left trying to recover where we were at before some small little something took us back to an old way of coping. That said, we are well beyond where we were. Most "glitches" (as we like to call them) are small ones and get dealt with in very short order and can usually get processed within 0-15 minutes.

Oh, and let me define "processing"- this is actually a term we use for working through something. If a behavior isn't what it should be, it gets identified immediately, stopped, recognized by the child and apologized for. If restitution is needed (for stealing, property damage, etc) then that is lined up by the parent. If the child refuses (for whatever fun-filled reason) to process, then the child begins to do jumping jacks (stimulating Cingulate Gyrus which aids in the function of logic, reason, coping, organization, language and identity) and/or strong-sitting (cris-cross-apple-sauce style with back strait. Hands are clasped or pressing against one another and crossed opposite of the feet. So right-over-left foot, would be left-over-right hand. Head facing front. Sounds complicated, but I've seen a horrid 3 year old do it in less than 2 seconds that was with crazy distractions [mind you, the fewer distractions the better]). It is totally doable. Anyway, One minute for every year of life is a good rule.

The reasons we do strong-sitting instead of  a typical "time-out" are, again, the activation of the Limbic system which is forced when they are sitting straight, still, quiet, and crossed (remember RAD kids have a less developed Limbic system [love and attachment] and Neo-Cortex [logic, reasoning, school work]). Also, I have found, on a practical note, that the effort it takes to concentrate on positioning the body and keeping it upright and crossed takes away the angst of whatever put them there in the first place. We began to do this a few times a day, simply to help the girls gain self-control and to give us a few minutes of re-grouping for the minutes and hours that were to follow in the day.

So, long story short (I know, I know..... it's not really that short, Beth..... :P On you! I'm doing my best here! There is A LOT to this stuff and I think I have done really well keeping it UN-technical for the last 6 months- so THERE! :)), processing can take anywhere from seconds to hours, to days depending on where the child is at. There is food and sleep and clothing and life, of course, moves on, regardless of whether the child processes or not. A line does have to be drawn, after all. But, in the beginning, it's pretty hard core. It's rough. It's long. It's...... well.... something no parent should ever have to go through. It's also something I am tremendously thankful that we did. It changed our lives. It helped heal one daughter and is doing the same for our second. It is worth it.

So, six months in..... we are still pulling from what we have learned when we need to, although our extremes are far less so than they were (although to all of you they may still seem so). I am sure, our RAD parenting will get more regular practice again when Ella comes home, but for now, we are thankful for Macie being as healthy as she is. There isn't a trace of RAD on her. Not that I can see.

On a very normal/healthy kid note- Macie lied to me today. It was the first time in a LONG time she has done that and it was nothing like the crazy lies she used to tell both Garrett and I. It was over something very normal and stupid. She knew she did it and was getting caught as it was coming out of her mouth. She processed quickly and then my bathtub got really clean. Questioning the bathroom cleaning thing? Let me explain.

As a mom continually being educated on my children and the parenting styles they require, I can parent through a lot of issues without much problem (yes, I realize my children are little still and that this is going to bite me in the butt in the years to come, but just let me enjoy saying it while I can, Okay? Besides, I have worked really hard to be able to say it, even if they are only as old as they are). Moving on.....
Oh, yeah....
Lying, however = REALLY BAD CHOICE.
For me, that is a heart issue. I'd rather have property destroyed directly in front of me than my child lying. Neither are pleasant, but at least one of them is real.
Restitution is required for lies in our household. So that, is why the bathtub.

Oh, and I don't think Macie is really 6. I think she's at least 8. I would get into it, but I'm not going to. We never saw our girls as babies. We never saw them through the same eyes others did. Even still, looking back at the photos. They were never that young. It's a feeling, and some good reasoning, but that is all it will be for now. I have no intention of looking into it further. The girls are where they are and it doesn't hurt them one bit to stay there. It helps me though. To know. To prepare. Change may come far sooner than I expected.

My First Finished Quilt

Saturday in DC

She forgot how big the Lincoln Monument is. Hee hee.

Ice Cream, School and Walks In the Rain

September 11th was somber, for the whole nation, I would guess. Around DC it was a little scary. We were all a little on edge, uncertain about a possible impending attack. Thankfully, we had friends to distract and ice cream in full supply to keep Macie and her friend in full swing for quite some time. We learned a lot from that day. Play dates over a couple of hours are too much for her. It was an entire day and it took us over a week to get her back. The girls had a blast. No attitude problems- WHAT-SO-EVER while they were here and none related to the other it seemed. It was just overstimulation. Lesson learned. They make the rules they do (like don't do too much too soon) for a REALLY good reason!!! That week of trying to recover her was HARD!!!!

So this is some of what school looks like for Macie. She works at home and does all subjects (except writing) on the computer. She has addition and subtraction down. She gets fractions (totally wanted to cook with me and that was a requirement if she wanted to do anything beyond mixing). She loves to read now, both out loud and to herself and she is writes in a workbook as well as a journal. I gotta tell ya, I thought homeschooling would be horrid, but now that I am in it, it is pretty awesome. I mean- aside from me missing work- Macie is pretty much done with school by noon and she only does school 4 days a week so we can play and work on bonding A LOT the vast majority of the week. We are currently working on crafty stuff for Christmas gifts to send later on in the year. She is so much fun and is way ahead in her classes. She is THRIVING!!!!!! 

 

OK- so another perk to homeschooling. While all the other kids are bored waiting for the other 20+ kids to figure out some part of school that they already get, Macie is finished with school for the entire week on a Friday and she and I get to take a big long walk in the pouring down rain (we actually watched the weather radar on weatherchannel.com til the heaviest rain hit [yes I snuck in more education there, but she didn't know it]) with her new fairy princess umbrella (with little wings and all). We had a ball and she was SOAKED by the time we got home.

As long as her jacket is- it still got up to the rear of her pants.

Bouncy curls in the air shot.