"You Just Need to Love Them More"

*** Garrett's thoughts on today's post;  "Feelin' feisty today?". I guess I'm bringin' the feisty. ***

Whatever you do- DO NOT say this to anyone involved in the life of a child with attachment disorder. It is one of the most insulting and degrading things that you can say.

A parent on a playground picks up their diabetic child and gives them an insulin shot. Can you imagine yourself running up to that parent and telling them that they are the reason that their child is sick? Would you have the nerve to tell them that they should just simply love their child more and that then their child would be magically well? No. To do that would make you an uneducated idiot, to say nothing of a rude human being who causes further confusion to a child undergoing treatment for a potentially terminal illness.

Over the last 2 years and 10 months we have been given all kinds of parenting advice. We have been told any number of the following (these are just some of them) in any number of circumstances by any combination of people;

We are too leanient.
We worry too much.
We aren't strict enough.
We are bad parents.
We read into things too much.
We aren't encouraging enough.
We don't hold our kids enough.
We aren't fun enough.
We shouldn't be parents.
We are too strict.
We are being too hard on ourselves.
We should have just had "our own" kids.
We just need to try harder.
We are taking it all to seriously.
We need to relax more.
The kids will grow out of it.
We should "get away" from it all for a while.
We need to just "love our kids more".

All this, while our children have exhibited any number of the following behaviors (again, it's a condensed list and combinations are likely);

Stealing (from crayons to cell phones)
Paint peeling
Window banging
Door hitting (not slamming- physically hitting)
Hair knotting (NOT in a style)
Self injurious behavior
Cruelty to animals
Sneaky behaviors
Chronic lying
Sabotaging Fun
Urine and/or feces in any number of places besides the toilet
Vomiting
Spit can go a long way and it can spread a pretty far distance.
Triangulation
No eye contact
Random stranger affection
No parental affection in private- only for performance purposes
Preoccupation with fire, blood and death
Constant noise and chatter (beyond what is normal for a child)
Speech patterns such as; "what?", "I don't know" and constant interrupting.

I write this down because a lot of people don't know what it is like to have a child with RAD. Most, in fact, have never even heard of attachment disorder. Fewer still, could recognize the symptoms in an adolescent diagnosed, let alone a child. 

People didn't want to believe us. People still don't want to believe it. It's hard to believe, even if you have seen it. Of course, it doesn't help that we are 3000 miles from those who would normally be exposed to it the most (family and friends), but that's life.

To say our parenting has changed would be an understatement. To say that we are normal would be.... well ridiculous. We battle every day to learn more and grow more as a family. After such an intense time of struggle, we are learning to slowly let our guard down and trust. Macie is a good one to learn that with. She is teaching us as much as we are teaching her and we are all slow learners, which allows both time and experience to cement the relationships in more.

So, after 6 months of radically different parenting, we are reaping a harvest and I wish I could express how relieved both Garrett and I are, to finally be enjoying parenthood. All of us (Ella included, although it's certainly not her primary issue right now) are still battling PTSD and have to work through those issues on a fairly regular basis. Depending on the day, the stresses and the circumstances, we can all get hit by triggers that can throw any one of us, or all of us into a tailspin that takes us back months in the way we parent, process, or support one another. There is a constant need to be on guard against ones self when painful memories threaten to undo this kind of growth. If I allow myself the wrong instant to be unaware of my own emotional state- I could respond in a way that leads Macie and myself into total confusion over what is going on and what is expected. The same could be said for her. There are days when she just kind of hits a wall so-to-speak. Something gets triggered. She gets angry and she shuts down. As much as the attachment to me is there, the PTSD kicks in and we can both left trying to recover where we were at before some small little something took us back to an old way of coping. That said, we are well beyond where we were. Most "glitches" (as we like to call them) are small ones and get dealt with in very short order and can usually get processed within 0-15 minutes.

Oh, and let me define "processing"- this is actually a term we use for working through something. If a behavior isn't what it should be, it gets identified immediately, stopped, recognized by the child and apologized for. If restitution is needed (for stealing, property damage, etc) then that is lined up by the parent. If the child refuses (for whatever fun-filled reason) to process, then the child begins to do jumping jacks (stimulating Cingulate Gyrus which aids in the function of logic, reason, coping, organization, language and identity) and/or strong-sitting (cris-cross-apple-sauce style with back strait. Hands are clasped or pressing against one another and crossed opposite of the feet. So right-over-left foot, would be left-over-right hand. Head facing front. Sounds complicated, but I've seen a horrid 3 year old do it in less than 2 seconds that was with crazy distractions [mind you, the fewer distractions the better]). It is totally doable. Anyway, One minute for every year of life is a good rule.

The reasons we do strong-sitting instead of  a typical "time-out" are, again, the activation of the Limbic system which is forced when they are sitting straight, still, quiet, and crossed (remember RAD kids have a less developed Limbic system [love and attachment] and Neo-Cortex [logic, reasoning, school work]). Also, I have found, on a practical note, that the effort it takes to concentrate on positioning the body and keeping it upright and crossed takes away the angst of whatever put them there in the first place. We began to do this a few times a day, simply to help the girls gain self-control and to give us a few minutes of re-grouping for the minutes and hours that were to follow in the day.

So, long story short (I know, I know..... it's not really that short, Beth..... :P On you! I'm doing my best here! There is A LOT to this stuff and I think I have done really well keeping it UN-technical for the last 6 months- so THERE! :)), processing can take anywhere from seconds to hours, to days depending on where the child is at. There is food and sleep and clothing and life, of course, moves on, regardless of whether the child processes or not. A line does have to be drawn, after all. But, in the beginning, it's pretty hard core. It's rough. It's long. It's...... well.... something no parent should ever have to go through. It's also something I am tremendously thankful that we did. It changed our lives. It helped heal one daughter and is doing the same for our second. It is worth it.

So, six months in..... we are still pulling from what we have learned when we need to, although our extremes are far less so than they were (although to all of you they may still seem so). I am sure, our RAD parenting will get more regular practice again when Ella comes home, but for now, we are thankful for Macie being as healthy as she is. There isn't a trace of RAD on her. Not that I can see.

On a very normal/healthy kid note- Macie lied to me today. It was the first time in a LONG time she has done that and it was nothing like the crazy lies she used to tell both Garrett and I. It was over something very normal and stupid. She knew she did it and was getting caught as it was coming out of her mouth. She processed quickly and then my bathtub got really clean. Questioning the bathroom cleaning thing? Let me explain.

As a mom continually being educated on my children and the parenting styles they require, I can parent through a lot of issues without much problem (yes, I realize my children are little still and that this is going to bite me in the butt in the years to come, but just let me enjoy saying it while I can, Okay? Besides, I have worked really hard to be able to say it, even if they are only as old as they are). Moving on.....
Oh, yeah....
Lying, however = REALLY BAD CHOICE.
For me, that is a heart issue. I'd rather have property destroyed directly in front of me than my child lying. Neither are pleasant, but at least one of them is real.
Restitution is required for lies in our household. So that, is why the bathtub.

Oh, and I don't think Macie is really 6. I think she's at least 8. I would get into it, but I'm not going to. We never saw our girls as babies. We never saw them through the same eyes others did. Even still, looking back at the photos. They were never that young. It's a feeling, and some good reasoning, but that is all it will be for now. I have no intention of looking into it further. The girls are where they are and it doesn't hurt them one bit to stay there. It helps me though. To know. To prepare. Change may come far sooner than I expected.