Ella's heart is like a rock.
I spoke with her on the phone today and she sounds so cold. Colder than I have heard her in a long time. There are reasons for it. Reasons that are expected and that make sense, but it's eerie just the same. She has this other persona that comes out sometimes..... she is closer to that than I have heard her in months. This is expected. Things always get worse before they get better. In that way, it is good news.
She can listen but can't hear anything, which is not surprising. She is unresponsive to anything. Positive. Negative. Neutral. She is totally cold. I call it "kill mode". The kind of mode one would have to be in, in order to complete a mission that would take a crazy amount of focus and resolve without any regard for anything or anyone other than the mission itself. She is simply surviving. She is really more of a machine than a person. A body alone, really. The only emotion that's real is fear and that is completely encompassed in a very focused and narcissistic rage that she hardly able to contain any longer.
It is heartbreaking. It is encouraging. It is hard.
I am praying for you! Ayana and I had been having great visits, laughing and dancing at Dave's gigs. Then a switch flipped and she told her counselor that she never wants to come home because she thinks she is not safe around me. In RAD language, I'm pretty sure that means it was getting to warm and fuzzy and now its time to sabotage. :( So, I totally understand how Ella's coldness can be seen as a positive sign, but man it is frustrating, isn't it!
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