I have been here only a number of months, but already have watched as one season clearly rolled into another. The chill in the air is brisk and the leaves seem to fade from one color to another within a single day. The morning frost rests heavy on everything exposed to the weathers changes and the evening air quiets the crickets that have been so busy singing during warmer nights.
Garrett loves the changes in weather. It doesn't matter if it is blistering hot or frostbite cold, he has a smile on his face and simply says he feels "alive". I can't relate. I tend to feel more like I am dying. In fact, it is a yearly struggle for me to share his appreciation for the tougher seasons in the year.
It's the seasons of life that aren't so easy for either one of us. We have both struggled as we have faced this "winter" in the adoption process. We have both had days of silence, disbelief, grief, and heartache. There is reason beyond what we understand and we struggle to grasp at what that reason might be.
While Garrett has school to serve as a distraction, his heart is just as broken as mine. I see him carry the same burden I do when he enters the house. He often looks to me for some piece of good news and, failing to find it, his face falls in recognition of another heartbreaking day.
We have fallen hard. Fallen so in love with these little girls, these little lives that we have yet to meet... the thought of being apart another month, maybe longer, is more gut wrenching than either one of us have ever experienced.
Each day is spent thinking of them, dreaming of them, praying for them, and longing to bring them home. Our heads fall on our pillows each night and we invite sleep so that another day of the wait can pass.
There may come a day when we understand the "why's" that surround our, now, daily questions. I know the reason is there and I trust it's purpose is far greater than either Garrett or I can understand.
For now, we wait for the "spring", the hope of a new beginning, and we continue to fall more and more in love with our little girls
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Every Season
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ahhh...one of my all-time favorite songs...**sigh**
ReplyDeleteBETH: My husband and I are fellow CHSFS adoptive parents & I came to your blog via the Forum. We share your "winter" feelings. We received the referral for our son in May but have also experienced substantial delays due to paperwork issues within the country. We have a court date of November 11th and hope/pray that it does not get further postponed & we can bring our little guy home before the end of the year. You wrote in a previous blog post..."there are no words" and my husband, reading over my shoulder said, "She understands." I have no solutions to offer, no healing words to make the heartache go away but simply wanted to drop you a line, from one adoptive mommy's heart to another, we are praying that "springtime" is just around the corner for your family.
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